“I don’t hate you!” I was desperate, yelling in my fear for him. You were carrying my baby and I left you.” His tone was flat, unemotional. No one forced me to turn my grief over Katie’s death into anger and hate. “Talk to me? How can you stand to even look at me after what I did to you?” I moved until I was in front of him, forced him to meet my eyes. He stopped, his head lowered, still refusing to look at me. But only for a second.īefore I could form a word, he jerked his gaze away and started to turn. When I did, he jumped, then spun to stare at me from red-rimmed eyes. I stopped behind him and he was so oblivious, so lost in his own thoughts, that he didn’t know I was there until I touched his arm. I had done this to him, and now I had to make it right. A beard covered his jaw and his hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in days. His T-shirt was wrinkled and hung on him loosely, as though he’d lost weight. He was standing there, staring at her headstone, hands in the pockets of his faded jeans. And if I hadn’t been expecting him, I’m not sure I would have recognized him. Katie’s grave was near the back of the cemetery, under a big sweet gum tree, not far from where my Grandmother French was buried. The house Nick had rented wasn’t too far away, and I realized he must have walked the distance. I waited until fifteen minutes after seven, then climbed in the Trooper and drove slowly across town, and parked in the church’s lot. And who better than I? If anyone knew about grief and shutting down your emotions, I was that person.Įven if the only reaction I got from him was hatred, it was better than nothing. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to get through to him I only knew I had to find a way. I wanted to give Nick time to get there ahead of me, because I was afraid if he saw me, he’d leave before I had a chance to talk to him. Moving like a robot, I put the groceries away and then went to change out of my business suit. He stood and hugged me tightly, and I prayed he would never find out that his father’s condition was all my fault. I don’t have any idea how long this will take. “I can’t promise it will do any good, Daniel, but I’m going to try.

The sweet gum tree by katherine allred